Groom Hunting

 

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When my mother dearest forwarded a profile to me, I was pretty confused. For the uninitiated, a “profile” is that page you make on the marketing websites of marriage marts, which usually sums you up in three words- teetotaller, loaded, and educated. Ofcourse, if you are a woman, it becomes three hundred words (…and I am suddenly reminded of Eunice D’Souza’s poem, Marriages are Made).

She expected me to accept or reject the guy based on these “qualifications”. Well to be fair, the profile also had his heavily photoshopped selfie, taken with all the right filters, and a few right-off-the-net words about him, which marketed him as an Humble, Down-To-Earth, Loving person, each word starting with a capital letter, though God knows for what. Seems an easy enough thing to do, right? I mean, all I have to do is talk to him, meet him, and make up my mind about him. But if you know anything about me, you would also know why I was confused.

For 26 long years, I had been made to believe that boys had cooties. Yes my friend. Cooties. So here was I, two years shy of 28, not even once been out on a date, suddenly asked to choose a mate! So I did what any other convent-educated-tech-friendly girl would do- ( and I am not even kidding! My school and my college, both were an all girls’, and just my luck that during my post grads I had like 10 guys in our class of 400. Sucks to be me, right?) I googled.

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Yes, I googled “finding a husband for dummies”. And like every other time I was in a bind, wikiHow came to my rescue, with pictures! The first search result was, “How to Get a Husband: 15 Steps (with Pictures) – wikiHow”. But the second one was even more tantalising- “How to Get a Husband: 14 Steps (with Pictures) – wikiHow”! There were also more realistic ones, like “How to Find a Husband in 30 Days – Futurescopes”. What was most comforting was that a related search went- “I Need a Husband Online”- which made me feel real happy, knowing I wasn’t the only dummy out there! To continue, I clicked on the first link (as I knew the 14 steps one was a bit too over-ambitious for me at this stage!) and stumbled into the world of dating-cum-matrimonial advice.

There were helpful sites, which gave unbiased and simple, to-the-point advises, which were actually meant for dummies like me- “You aren’t going to meet the man of your dreams by sitting home and watching bad reality shows!” ( Advice No.1, Part 1, How to Get a Husband: 15 Steps (with Pictures) – wikiHow). Also, “Show your interest. When you’ve met someone that you think you might like, show them that. While this doesn’t mean getting super clingy and pouring your emotions all over them, it does mean that you give off signs of interest, like flirting.” (Advice No. 1, Part 2).

These were real eye-openers for me! So I decided to shut down my laptop, find my slippers, locate my cupboard, and sift through the mass of clothing to find something to wear. Rather, something odourless to wear. That’s my golden test- if it doesn’t smell, it can be worn! After getting all geared up for battle, I got out of home to start on the second phase of groom hunting: going to a park ( Advice No. 4, Part 1)!

Going to the park really helped me level up. I was exposed to the realities of the dating/marriage sector in full colour and HD. I saw dogs running behind bitches, which ended behind twerking bushes. I saw young parents with their babies, as well as elderly couples with their walkers. My guy-radar also spotted few runners who looked like potential grooms as they were young, alive, and straight- I saw aunties tightening the leashes around their daughters when these guys passed by. So I put into motion Advice No. 1, Part 2: “Show your Interest: Eye Contact”. I maintained eye contact with the guy who was the least threatening for my sanity, and walked towards them to initiate a conversation and ask him about himself (Advice No. 1, Part 2). That is, until I tripped and invariably ended up following Advice No. 3, Part 2Make Him Laugh. Thankfully a sudden gust of wind made a Mariyln Monroe out of a woman in skirts and I was able to escape with my dignity intact.

Safe and cosy again infront of my laptop, I read up the rest of the advises: “Don’t take things too fast.”, “Engage with his interests”, and finally, “Don’t take him for granted” (Advice Nos. 1, 3, and 4, Part 3). So I slowly picked up my kitten, groomed him for a while, and told him that I love him. As for the guy mom found on the matrimonial site, I decided to put him on hold, atleast until Hwayugi stopped airing. After all, weeding out “someone who doesn’t want to be exclusive” ( Advice No. 5, Part 1) should go both ways, and right now I was fully committed to Seung-gi oppa, body, mind and soul!

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